We’re Young, Worth $22m, And One Day Before Retiring My Wife Says She Wants To Divorce. What Are Our Options?
Couples with young children who face the prospect of divorce have hard questions to ask themselves. However, the primary one is: Do both parties want to remain in the relationship? Those couples who are still in their 30s and have been pursuing a fatF.I.R.E. (Financial Independence Retire Early) strategy may find that the focus on […] The post We’re Young, Worth $22m, And One Day Before Retiring My Wife Says She Wants To Divorce. What Are Our Options? appeared first on 24/7 Wall St..
Couples with young children who face the prospect of divorce have hard questions to ask themselves. However, the primary one is: Do both parties want to remain in the relationship?
Those couples who are still in their 30s and have been pursuing a fatF.I.R.E. (Financial Independence Retire Early) strategy may find that the focus on saving up a sizable retirement nest egg can afford them additional options as to how to navigate their relationship going forward, either together or separately.
Key Points
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Divorce is always a traumatic prospect when the announcement from the unhappy spouse comes as a surprise; even more so when young children and therapists are involved.
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Couples who have pursued fatF.I.R.E. strategies have more options as to how to try to reconcile or to handle divorce in as amicable a way as possible.
Blindsided
A 37-year-old husband and father of three received a gut-punch announcement from his 31-year-old wife of 11 years. The day before being able to start a fatF.I.R.E. retirement, she asked him for a divorce. Emotionally distraught, he sought advice on Reddit. Filling in the backstory, he also disclosed the following details:
- The poster sold his business a year ago and the family had a fatF.I.R.E. nest egg worth CAD$22 million.
- Their three young children are ages 6,4 and 3.
- They have been in couples therapy for the past year. The wife has been diagnosed as harboring childhood trauma and past relationship issues. The therapist thinks the problems can be resolved over the course of several years.
- After plenty of family travel and the day before planning to start retirement, she announced that she was no longer in love with the poster and now regarded him as a “best friend.”
- She declared that she wanted a separation, pursuant to a divorce.
His concerns focused on the prospect of losing time with his children, whether or not to attempt to remain in a married relationship where his feelings were no longer reciprocated, and whether CAD$11 million would be enough for a 37-year-old, or whether he would need to return to the workforce.
Trying To Stay True to Vows
Several respondents who had found themselves in similar situations offered their own experiences on mending marriages and other observations that could help:
- One woman stated that she also hit a similar emotional rough patch in her marriage when she reached her early 30’s. Although it wasn’t easy on her husband, they were able to regain their initial love after years of work and are now still happily married.
- A number of respondents stated that the children’s welfare should be the primary focus. If she agreed, then switching to a marriage counselor and figuring out a game plan to try to salvage the marriage should be attempted. If matters had not improved in 2-3 years, then divorce could be put back on the table.
- One suggestion was for the couple to try Retrouvaille, a Catholic program with a good track record of helping to counsel and save marriages.
- Given that the wife gave birth to three children when she was aged 25 to 28, it’s very possible that the therapist is totally off base and that the problem may be post-partum depression. As therapists are not medical doctors, their focus will be on a couple’s dynamics, rather than diagnosing the possibility of a genuine psychological and medically treatable condition.
- Two respondents advised trying to woo the wife all over from the start and attempting to restore the romance in the relationship before throwing in the towel.
Cynical Realists
As one might expect, the vast majority of respondents were considerably more cynical. Many had their own battle-scarred war stories of both emotional and financial traumas laid bare.
On the negative side:
- The timing of her announcement was suspicious. Several advised hiring a private investigator, as the wife might be having an affair and planning to take half of the CAD$22 million to run off with her secret lover.
- Several suggested that the poster lawyer up or be prepared to lose more than 50% if she decides he’s no longer her best friend and wants full child custody plus massive child support on top of 50%.
- Marrying at age 20, she was probably using the poster to escape and now that he had busted his butt building a successful company, she saw an opportunity to cash out while she was still young enough to enjoy spending the money and “playing the field”.
On the positive side:
- At age 37, he certainly was young enough to find someone new who will be there for him to reciprocate his feelings, and as a wealthy eligible bachelor, would have no shortage of dating opportunities.
- Even at CAD$11 million, (USD$7.6 million), he had more than enough savings not to need to work until and unless he found the right situation.
- The fact that the wife is not complaining of emotional or physical abuse is a sign that an amicable divorce can be had.
- Statistically, having substantial wealth removes a major barrier for divorce, so the poster’s situation is more common than one would expect.
- Thinking more about long-term happiness and properly caring for the children is more important than worrying over half the money, which will still be more than enough for a wealthy lifestyle and can easily double before he hits age 50 with smart investing.
Moving Forward Practically
Some other good advice came regarding the evaluation of the present circumstances and practical steps to take:
- If she genuinely doesn’t want to stay in the marriage, the poster can’t force her to love him, so a quick divorce with minimal lawyer involvement would be the best way to settle matters and move on.
- Split everything 50/50, including child support.
- Try to settle the divorce without having to pay alimony.
- Gift out or put one-third of the CAD$22 million into a trust for the children. This way, the poster doesn’t wind up subsidizing any children the wife may have in the future with a new partner.
- Take care to remove her name from any asset in which they agree will go to the poster when they divorce.
- Make sure everything is officially settled in the divorce before starting any new ventures that generate extra income, or it can possibly be claimed by the lawyers to be added to the joint property pot.
- It would be wise not to start any new serious relationships until after the divorce is final.
- Just in case – having her sign a postnup agreement so that she can’t try to claim any future earnings post-divorce might be a prudent step.
- One suggestion was to keep the children at a single location and then the poster and his wife would alternate consecutive days with them to maintain a modicum of family continuity until they reached high school age.
The prospect of divorce is almost always unpleasant, but forcing the marriage to stay together when the motivation to do so is not shared will inevitably make it a sinking ship. The consensus was clearly to keep the children’s interests in mind first and foremost, and they deal with the other issues. Overall, his prospects as a high-net-worth bachelor in his 30’s were strong for when or if he rejoined the dating pool, but his responsibilities as a father should take precedence.
The post We’re Young, Worth $22m, And One Day Before Retiring My Wife Says She Wants To Divorce. What Are Our Options? appeared first on 24/7 Wall St..
