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What is a good framework for breakup conversation with my girlfriend after a life changing injury?
This question is a follow up to my other question here My girlfriend whom I have been dating for 8 months is quadriplegic due to a complete SCI due to sporting accident. She needs near constant, daily care with activities of daily living such as: Dressing Washing and personal hygiene Feeding Continence care I plan on talking to her about how her injury will impact the viability of our young relationship (less than 1 year dating), following the advice in the only answer I got. After doing some research, I have a better understanding of what her care needs are. Financial costs can easily surpass 200k just for first year, to include expenses such as the below. After reading more, the costs cited from above source are average costs, hence costs could be underestimated in my case. Furthermore, these estimates do not take into consideration sudden and unexpected medical costs. She can no longer work in her old field or role due to disability. The government where I live does not allow family to serve as paid caregivers and private insurance won't cover cost of direct support assistants / long term caregivers. Rehabilitation care Physical and occupational therapy Medications and medical supplies (e.g: pain medicine, continence care supplies, wheelchair etc.) Home remodeling for accessibility Subsequent medical care (surgery , follow up care for complications etc.) After thinking of my lifestyle (e.g: full time work , outdoor activities, sports) and my needs, I am doubtful that I will be able to care for her adequately. Before her accident, we both had dreams and ambitions in what we wanted to do in our relationship but now, much has changed for us both for the worse. The caretaking is already starting to burn me out. As far as I understand, respite care is not meant for long term care, but only short term gaps. The strain of being her primary caregiver is already negatively affecting my full time work per examples below. On some days, personal time was challenging to come by between full time work, caretaking, transportation to medical appointments (OT / PT et.) Feedback at work that I seemed distracted (admittedly true), and not as timely with tasks (again, true) Had to decline morning meetings and ask colleagues to cover certain amount of overtime to allow for caretaking time. I am sensing growing resentment from them. Had to have both internal and client facing meetings rescheduled and colleagues have started to notice and speak to me and complain to my manager. Uncertainty of me being able to accept promotion or more responsibilities at work due to competing health needs of my girlfriend. Suggestion from manager that I step back from some duties of my current job role or apply for less demanding role due to nature of what I do. (client facing resulting in much less flexibility in how I can work) Inability to travel to client sites and company headquarters. I feel bad about extra burden on colleagues. However, someone I love is no longer able to care for herself which is not something I can easily put aside due to injury possibility and SCI complications such as caused by inability / reduced ability to move. If certain medical interventions are not done timely (e.g: positioning or continence care), consequences can be deadly. Recently she had a close call that could have been much worse if I did not bring her to doctor. I love my girlfriend and she is a great person (caring, funny, passionate etc.) I want what's best for her, but am no longer sure if continuing the relationship will be in either of us best interests. She is also somewhat depressed as her life has completely turned upside down and previous dreams may no longer be achievable. She recently asked me whether if our relationship continues, I can commit to being a caregiver. We said we love each other, but privately I dont believe love alone itself is enough for our relationship to continue as is. We also discussed group care home that may be an option even though this is an institutional (vs. community) setting. It's painful that I did not have a diplomatic answer that mitigates feeling of hurt or abandonment on her part My goals when discussing separation in this scenario: To express that I continue to love her To clearly state I am burned out and me being her caretaker in addition to boyfriend is not viable going forwards due to demands at work and impingement on personal time. To preserve her dignity as a person / to not degrade her. What's a good framework to use to discuss separation if adequate medical and social care cannot be found? How can I have this conversation without being perceived as self centered or making my gf feel she is no longer worthy of love? This question is different from my previous question as this question directly asks for a framework to use to raise the breakup scenario. The other question is to ask for how to discuss my concerns in general.
This question is a follow up to my other question here
My girlfriend whom I have been dating for 8 months is quadriplegic due to a complete SCI due to sporting accident. She needs near constant, daily care with activities of daily living such as:
- Dressing
- Washing and personal hygiene
- Feeding
- Continence care
I plan on talking to her about how her injury will impact the viability of our young relationship (less than 1 year dating), following the advice in the only answer I got. After doing some research, I have a better understanding of what her care needs are. Financial costs can easily surpass 200k just for first year, to include expenses such as the below. After reading more, the costs cited from above source are average costs, hence costs could be underestimated in my case. Furthermore, these estimates do not take into consideration sudden and unexpected medical costs. She can no longer work in her old field or role due to disability. The government where I live does not allow family to serve as paid caregivers and private insurance won't cover cost of direct support assistants / long term caregivers.
- Rehabilitation care
- Physical and occupational therapy
- Medications and medical supplies (e.g: pain medicine, continence care supplies, wheelchair etc.)
- Home remodeling for accessibility
- Subsequent medical care (surgery , follow up care for complications etc.)
After thinking of my lifestyle (e.g: full time work , outdoor activities, sports) and my needs, I am doubtful that I will be able to care for her adequately. Before her accident, we both had dreams and ambitions in what we wanted to do in our relationship but now, much has changed for us both for the worse. The caretaking is already starting to burn me out. As far as I understand, respite care is not meant for long term care, but only short term gaps. The strain of being her primary caregiver is already negatively affecting my full time work per examples below. On some days, personal time was challenging to come by between full time work, caretaking, transportation to medical appointments (OT / PT et.)
Feedback at work that I seemed distracted (admittedly true), and not as timely with tasks (again, true)
Had to decline morning meetings and ask colleagues to cover certain amount of overtime to allow for caretaking time. I am sensing growing resentment from them.
Had to have both internal and client facing meetings rescheduled and colleagues have started to notice and speak to me and complain to my manager.
Uncertainty of me being able to accept promotion or more responsibilities at work due to competing health needs of my girlfriend.
Suggestion from manager that I step back from some duties of my current job role or apply for less demanding role due to nature of what I do. (client facing resulting in much less flexibility in how I can work)
Inability to travel to client sites and company headquarters.
I feel bad about extra burden on colleagues. However, someone I love is no longer able to care for herself which is not something I can easily put aside due to injury possibility and SCI complications such as caused by inability / reduced ability to move. If certain medical interventions are not done timely (e.g: positioning or continence care), consequences can be deadly. Recently she had a close call that could have been much worse if I did not bring her to doctor.
I love my girlfriend and she is a great person (caring, funny, passionate etc.) I want what's best for her, but am no longer sure if continuing the relationship will be in either of us best interests. She is also somewhat depressed as her life has completely turned upside down and previous dreams may no longer be achievable.
She recently asked me whether if our relationship continues, I can commit to being a caregiver. We said we love each other, but privately I dont believe love alone itself is enough for our relationship to continue as is. We also discussed group care home that may be an option even though this is an institutional (vs. community) setting. It's painful that I did not have a diplomatic answer that mitigates feeling of hurt or abandonment on her part
My goals when discussing separation in this scenario:
To express that I continue to love her
To clearly state I am burned out and me being her caretaker in addition to boyfriend is not viable going forwards due to demands at work and impingement on personal time.
To preserve her dignity as a person / to not degrade her.
What's a good framework to use to discuss separation if adequate medical and social care cannot be found?
How can I have this conversation without being perceived as self centered or making my gf feel she is no longer worthy of love?
This question is different from my previous question as this question directly asks for a framework to use to raise the breakup scenario. The other question is to ask for how to discuss my concerns in general.
