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How to make friendships work with borderline personality disorder
I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and a lot of issues that may make me a terrible friend such as lashing out/and or being inconsistent, which I am seeking help for. I'm not excusing this behavior and I am aware this is bad, i'm trying to work on improving this aspect. What I’ve tried: Informing friends about what BPD is: they seem to have gotten the gist of it, but still take certain BPD behaviors personally. Asking friends to set boundaries with me: This always ends badly because my friend sees boundaries as a punishment, and refuses to set boundaries on what they find acceptable. To be frank, I’m confused on what behaviors they will or wont accept from me. They also have boundaries which aren't as rigid and it confuses me when they tell me to not mention certain subjects that trigger them (fair) but then prompt me to elaborate on them anyway. Isolating myself to prevent lashing out: Friend became upset that I was withdrawing from them and took it personally despite me explaining. Letting them know that supporting a person with BPD can be exhausting and that they are free to leave if it gets too overwhelming : they insisted they would stay and work it out with me. Going to therapy: I’m still going, and so far I’m still struggling with applying conflict resolution skills I’ve learnt from DBT. Haven’t made much progress yet. While I understand that I have accountability over what I do, I feel terrible because healing doesn’t happen that fast and whilst I’m still building the skills needed to cope with it, I’m bound to have periods where I slip up. My friend agreed to stay, but still remains upset whenever symptoms of my BPD show up. Additional info: My friend makes distasteful remarks about people with BPD, and generally has a bad opinion on people with said disorder. I understand they have bad experiences around people with the disorder, but it kind of upsets me because I display the exact same symptoms and have it myself. My behavior has caused a lot of distress to my friends which I don’t expect them to excuse at all and they say they are willing to work through it with me. However, I want them to know that it’s not personal, so what else can I do to minimize conflict in friendships?
I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and a lot of issues that may make me a terrible friend such as lashing out/and or being inconsistent, which I am seeking help for. I'm not excusing this behavior and I am aware this is bad, i'm trying to work on improving this aspect.
What I’ve tried:
- Informing friends about what BPD is: they seem to have gotten the gist of it, but still take certain BPD behaviors personally.
- Asking friends to set boundaries with me: This always ends badly because my friend sees boundaries as a punishment, and refuses to set boundaries on what they find acceptable. To be frank, I’m confused on what behaviors they will or wont accept from me. They also have boundaries which aren't as rigid and it confuses me when they tell me to not mention certain subjects that trigger them (fair) but then prompt me to elaborate on them anyway.
- Isolating myself to prevent lashing out: Friend became upset that I was withdrawing from them and took it personally despite me explaining.
- Letting them know that supporting a person with BPD can be exhausting and that they are free to leave if it gets too overwhelming : they insisted they would stay and work it out with me.
- Going to therapy: I’m still going, and so far I’m still struggling with applying conflict resolution skills I’ve learnt from DBT. Haven’t made much progress yet.
While I understand that I have accountability over what I do, I feel terrible because healing doesn’t happen that fast and whilst I’m still building the skills needed to cope with it, I’m bound to have periods where I slip up. My friend agreed to stay, but still remains upset whenever symptoms of my BPD show up.
Additional info:
- My friend makes distasteful remarks about people with BPD, and generally has a bad opinion on people with said disorder. I understand they have bad experiences around people with the disorder, but it kind of upsets me because I display the exact same symptoms and have it myself.
My behavior has caused a lot of distress to my friends which I don’t expect them to excuse at all and they say they are willing to work through it with me. However, I want them to know that it’s not personal, so what else can I do to minimize conflict in friendships?
