My dad thought he could beat the market with my inheritance, now I won’t forgive him without repayment

A study conducted by family law specialists and family therapy counselors identified the three (3) primary causes of family strife, based on thousands of cases, with some of them being combined in many instances:

• Lack of Communication or Miscommunication: Refusal to discuss certain topics, miscommunication, one-sided dismissal of another’s feelings or opinions, can lead to tension, resentment, and deep seated grudges over time.
• Different Values and Beliefs:  Rifts can easily develop over political, religious, lifestyle, and other differences, which can exacerbate further depending on how far apart the poles may be. 
• Financial Stress: Tangible or perceived inequities and sacrifice, high debts, and other financial difficulties can contribute to deep schisms among family members. 

These issues are likely familiar to many, who have either personally experienced 1 or all 3, or at least observed those issues in play with other families. Feelings of being irrevocably wronged financially can leave an emotional wound that may never heal, although it may be just part of an even larger, underlying issue.

Money Thicker Than Blood?

The sense of betrayal and unfairness between a son and his parents can be enormous when the parents are directly responsible for blowing an inheritance from a grandparent but not those of an older sibling. One such aggrieved person took to Reddit to ask for both advice and validation of his feelings on the situation. He described the events as follows:

• The poster’s grandfather was apparently a very smart investor and left a sizable inheritance for each of his grandchildren. 
• When the grandfather died, the poster, who is apparently the youngest grandchild in his generation, was still very young, while his sister was old enough to take her inheritance, as did all of his cousins. The amount was roughly $270,000 per grandchild.
• When the poster came of age for his inheritance, there was only $27,000 for him. 
• According to the poster, the father lost it all with bad investments, along with a comparable amount that had been bequeathed to his mother. 
• When he requested repayment, his parents refused, citing that it would undermine their retirement fund. 
• Incensed by the seeming injustice done to him, the poster has cut off all communication with his parents for years. They were excluded from his wedding and have yet to meet any of his children, i.e., their sole grandchildren.
• The poster has informed his parents, who long to see their grandchildren, that reimbursement of the stolen inheritance is the price for forgiveness and grandchild access.
• He has rebuffed criticism from his sister, who refuses to either have children of her own  or to give up part of her own inheritance money to help rectify matters.

The Sadness of The Stone-Hearted Standoff

Unsurprisingly, the majority of the respondents sided with the poster. While some agreed with his decision to cut off communications, some even went further, suggesting that a lawsuit or even a potential grand theft investigation might be warranted.

There is clearly a bitterness from this situation that will be difficult for the poster to overcome, even if he were to recover his lost funds. The negative feelings may be the culmination of slights, indignities, and mistreatment that the poster has felt throughout childhood and adolescence, with the inheritance serving only as a focal point for the resentment. Despite his claim to be offering forgiveness upon reimbursement, the rancor in his feelings towards his parents likely has built up justifiably negative emotions, such as:

• Being singled out unfairly to sacrifice the loss of his inheritance at the altar of his father’s ego;
• To have his feelings of betrayal and injustice being dismissed by both his parents and his sister;
• The refusal of both his parents and sister to even make a token gesture of restitution, alienating him further from any sense of being considered an equal family member;
• The willingness to prevent his own children from having any connection to his own parents would indicate that he already has subconsciously severed any connection to his family, even if he still states the terms for a reconciliation.

Since the parents refuse to acknowledge their son’s legitimate grievances, the sister selfishly refuses to meet her brother part way to heal the rift, and the poster has apparently set his terms in concrete, the family finds itself in a proverbial Mexican standoff. 

Sadly, the stone-hearted intransigence displayed by both the poster and his family may very well never be resolved. While it is sad that money can drive such a wedge between family members, it is unfortunately a more common occurrence than what many families would like. 

This article is written solely on an informational basis, so a financial professional should be sought for more comprehensive advice. 

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