How I Finally Lost the Urge to Keep Up With the Joneses

Wrinkles may come with age, but so does wisdom. When my husband and I were first married and still in college, we lived in one of the wealthiest counties in the Midwest. It is a beautiful place but a miserable experience. No one we knew (outside of school) was in college like we were, and frankly, other people seemed to have everything they wanted. I remember being so jealous when a friend bought a brand-new Mercury Cougar. We drove a manual Ford Escort with no air conditioning and zero amenities, and every time she said she was going somewhere, I remember thinking how nice it must be to ride in the lap of luxury. 

I spent the first 12 or 13 years of our marriage trying to keep up with the Joneses. That often meant spending money we didn’t have and eventually getting into credit card debt to keep pace. It became a ridiculous cycle of wishing for more and climbing out of debt.

About those wrinkles

Admittedly, I do what I can to fight the more dramatic signs of aging, but one thing I genuinely appreciate about where I am today is having no desire to keep up with anyone. Here’s how I finally lost the urge.

It impacted my primary relationship

Those early years of marriage can be a challenge, and that was certainly the case for us. We were worried about getting term papers in on time, being at work when scheduled, and caring for our two young boys. Top that with a vague sense that everyone had made better decisions and was more successful than us, and you have the perfect recipe for conflict. I needed someone to blame for my lame decisions, and it fell on my husband. Years later, I can still remember times when I truly disliked him for being unable to snap his fingers and make things better magically. Little did I know then that the only thing that was going to improve how I felt about our lives was experience and a healthier perspective of what matters in life. Spoiler alert: The Mercury Cougar was not something that actually mattered. 

I realized I would never be satisfied

About a month ago, I heard about a young woman who desperately wanted to join a country club. Not just any country club but one of the most exclusive in her large city. She’s unhappy with how long the process takes and bothered by the fact that other people she knows are already members. I genuinely feel for her. It took me decades to realize that keeping up with the Joneses means never being satisfied with what you have. What this young woman may not realize is that becoming a member of an exclusive country club is not going to be enough. Unless something changes, she will always be chasing that next status symbol. It’s not until you’re happy with yourself — minus all the trappings of success — that life feels satisfying.

The hunger was at odds with who I wanted to be

Margaret, Kay, and Delight. Those are the names of three older women I’ve met throughout the years who’ve inspired me to be a better version of myself. None of them ever achieved fame or fortune, but they were happy. Each nurtured strong relationships, found pleasure in everyday activities, and generally made any room they were in a better place. With each passing year, I’ve longed to be more like them. However, the hunger for more is at odds with what made each of these women so special. What was remarkable about them was how grateful they were for simple blessings. 

That’s who I wanted to be. I’ve slowly grown into someone who longs for peace, and for me, peace begins with a grateful heart. 

Why any of this matters

Each of us gets to live the life we’re in once, and each moment spent wishing it came with more “possessions” is a moment we can’t get back. A new possession can only make us feel happy for a short time, but taking the time to appreciate all we do have is a habit that lasts a lifetime.

While writing this article, I texted the friend I was so envious of all those years ago, the one with the Mercury Cougar (with air conditioning!). I admitted how envious I’d been of her at the time. Here was her response: “And we were car payment poor!”

That’s an excellent point. No matter how the Joneses look from the outside, everyone has their own stuff going on. Seeing someone’s nice car or house doesn’t tell you if they’re in financial trouble.  You don’t know if someone can’t sleep at night due to economic anxiety or who’s looking for self-worth in the objects and experiences they buy. In other words, you might be in better shape than those you try to keep up with. 

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