How do I ask women who contact me on social media what they want without offending them?

I feel that common decency requires that when you contact a stranger in writing you let them know in your first message what the aim of your inquiry is. And yet I frequently get messages by women (I'm a man) on social media that consist of nothing but "Hello" or "Hi". When I play along with these kinds of openings, replying with a "hello" of my own, and only answer within the thematic confines laid out by the messages I receive – e.g. from a recent chat: She: "Hello" Me: "Hello, [name of the woman]" She: "How are you?" Me: "Normal ;-)" She: "Do you live in Germany?" Me: "Yes. And where do you live?" etc. –, in the hope that eventually the other person will lead the conversation where they want it, invariably these boring and vacuous exchanges lead nowhere and end when either the other person or I stop to reply. The problem is that unless the other person tells me what they want, I don't know what direction I should take and if I'm even interested to pursue this conversation. Does the woman flirt with me and want to date me? It doesn't seem like it, because they never express any interest in me beyond the most shallowly superficial. Does she want to have a conversation? If so, why doesn't she talk about something interesting? Does she seek some kind of information or help (for example after reading one of my posts or comments)? How am I supposed to provide it if I don't know? The men who write to me all write at least a few sentences and state their request in their first message. I know what they want and can respond to that. But most of the women that write to me neither state their desire nor converse about anything meaningful. So what I would like to do is ask them what they want. But the few times I did the women were offended. For example, the conversation I cited above continued like this: Me: How can I help you? She: What do you mean? I tell you I want to get to know you [no, she didn't] and you ask me how you can help me! Fuck you! English is not my mother tongue (as I'm sure you can tell) and maybe I phrased my question in an offensive manner. But I suspect that I'm reading the whole situation wrong and that something is expected of me that I don't understand. So how can I find out what these women want of me without offending them (and without the conversation dying of boredom)?

Feb 2, 2025 - 11:25

I feel that common decency requires that when you contact a stranger in writing you let them know in your first message what the aim of your inquiry is. And yet I frequently get messages by women (I'm a man) on social media that consist of nothing but "Hello" or "Hi".

When I play along with these kinds of openings, replying with a "hello" of my own, and only answer within the thematic confines laid out by the messages I receive – e.g. from a recent chat: She: "Hello" Me: "Hello, [name of the woman]" She: "How are you?" Me: "Normal ;-)" She: "Do you live in Germany?" Me: "Yes. And where do you live?" etc. –, in the hope that eventually the other person will lead the conversation where they want it, invariably these boring and vacuous exchanges lead nowhere and end when either the other person or I stop to reply.

The problem is that unless the other person tells me what they want, I don't know what direction I should take and if I'm even interested to pursue this conversation. Does the woman flirt with me and want to date me? It doesn't seem like it, because they never express any interest in me beyond the most shallowly superficial. Does she want to have a conversation? If so, why doesn't she talk about something interesting? Does she seek some kind of information or help (for example after reading one of my posts or comments)? How am I supposed to provide it if I don't know?

The men who write to me all write at least a few sentences and state their request in their first message. I know what they want and can respond to that. But most of the women that write to me neither state their desire nor converse about anything meaningful.

So what I would like to do is ask them what they want. But the few times I did the women were offended. For example, the conversation I cited above continued like this:

Me: How can I help you?
She: What do you mean? I tell you I want to get to know you [no, she didn't] and you ask me how you can help me! Fuck you!

English is not my mother tongue (as I'm sure you can tell) and maybe I phrased my question in an offensive manner. But I suspect that I'm reading the whole situation wrong and that something is expected of me that I don't understand.

So how can I find out what these women want of me without offending them (and without the conversation dying of boredom)?