I inherited my parents’ estate after years of caregiving – should I have to share?

In the popular romantic comedy Love, Actually (2003) Laura Linney’s Sarah portrays a woman who has sacrificed promotion at her job and romantic opportunities out of a sense of duty towards caring for her mentally unstable brother, who calls her at all hours from his 24/7 care facility.  Sadly, this scenario has become increasingly familiar with many people’s own experience over the past two decades. 

U.S. Adults who are the primary caregivers for their elderly and ailing parents have been steadily growing in numbers. According to a 2023 study, 1 in 5 Americans are now working outside the home, while also serving as caregivers. The recipients of care are overwhelmingly elderly parents (41%), with special needs children (29%), other adults (20%) and a spouse or partner (18%). They are also spending between 26-30 hours per week performing caregiving duties. 

Caregiving can take a toll on caregivers’ physical and mental health, as well as impair progress in their personal careers.  Caregivers are more likely to not be in good health (75%), not eat healthy or exercise regularly (80%), and not see their own doctor for checkups (66%). They are also subject to higher percentages of layoffs, reduced job growth opportunities, and prospective unemployment, due to their caregiving obligations. 

Those adult children who step up to take care of ailing parents are likely to have siblings who opt to not do so. Parents who adjust their wills accordingly, in recognition of the caregiving child’s sacrifice, may not anticipate the friction that can be caused in the aftermath.

Filial Piety In the Real World

Filial piety is a Chinese cultural term based on Confucian teachings. It emphasizes the respect and care that children should show to parents and is an Asian tradition that has lasted centuries. It is a major reason for why Mao’s One Child Policy skewed towards an overweighted male to female ratio, as sons were expected to care for elderly parents, while daughters would be marrying into other families. 

Although she was the youngest daughter, a Reddit poster demonstrated filial piety in her care for her elderly parents. Her older siblings had established their own family lives, and rarely checked in, also offering no financial assistance. Before they died, the parents changed their will to leave the bulk of their estate to the caregiving youngest daughter. Now that the daughter has received her inheritance, her MIA older siblings have now demanded that she share her larger portion of the inheritance. Her post on Reddit inquired: 

• Should she feel guilty for not wanting to share the inheritance? 
• Was she wrong in thinking that her siblings were trying to take advantage of her, as they only emerged when money was involved? 
• Her siblings’ argument was that their parents would have wanted them to all share equally, regardless of who did what in their final years, in the spirit of “fairness”. 

True Colors

The respondents to the poster were overwhelmingly supportive of her stance. Some of the more insightful observations included:

• The parents clearly articulated their wishes and their notions of what constituted “fairness” when they adjusted the will to reflect acknowledgement of their youngest daughter’s sacrifices.
• The siblings should be told that the larger inheritance portion represents “back pay” for her sacrifices paid posthumously. 
• One respondent stated that the fact that the older siblings are now making this demand after being MIA throughout the parents’ final years shows their “true colors”, and any accusations of greed against the poster are actually deflecting their own intent.

The best respondents pointed out that the poster’s caregiving time and expenses, such as buying food, fuel costs, and her work time is reflected in her parents’ larger inheritance as compensation, but the time she was able to spend with her parents before they passed is a priceless gift that no one can take from her. 

This article is written from a solely informational perspective. One should contact a financial or legal estate professional for more comprehensive advice. 

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